Me, myself and I

Hi, I am Aiika.

I am a weird little creature who looks totally "normal" when you don't bother knowing me. And I am here to write about me, about you, about what normal is. I've decided over time that maybe, writing these words might mean something to someone other than myself, someone who also feels in limbo.

Too weird to be normal, too normal to be weird.

I've had this idea for a long time but couldn't put it in action before. I've always loved words, but fear of judgement, and fear of accepting myself, kept me from doing just that. I would feel like no one would ever bother reading this, or I'd be ridiculed, or it'd be nothing new. Just writing tonight has me fighting against impostor syndrome so much you could laugh at me. It took me hours, idling on my cellphone, sitting on my couch, to just start writing. And that's when I've had this exact same text in my head for about a week now.

I want to write, because now that I am old enough, I feel like someone out there might need a pat on the back and a whisper saying you ain't alone in this. I might get to touch just one person, and I might alienate some of my close friends, but I think I need to do this. For myself, for you, for my friends, for my family.

I decided to start with a presentation, because you might know the "work" me, or the "online" me, you probably still have no idea who ME is.

I look normal. I am female and female presenting, wear boring clothes, get my hair up, work customer service, smile, talk about my boyfriend non stop, have movie nights with my girl friends, etc.

While all of those are true, they form a very small part of me. Here are the less known facts that define me and that I will eventually go through one at a time, I think.

I am :

Bisexual

Agender

Polyamorous

In open relationships

Greysexual

Suffer from anxiety and depression

Probably neuro-atypical (but since I live well with it no one ever bothered giving me a diagnosis)

A kinkster

I am a lot of the things you won't ever see and a lot of it comes with a lot of misconceptions. So I wanna talk.

So you too can feel heard.

I hope you will join me on my journey, it might be a long one.